I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize