My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
