i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
