Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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