It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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