i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
