Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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