we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
