every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
