The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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