wanna go halves on a baby?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
