Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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