all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
