I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
