fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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