i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
