and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
