so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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