my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
