People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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