Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
