he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My dick has a subreddit
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
