I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
