I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
