I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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