pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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