I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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