i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
