my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
