I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
