Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
