I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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