if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
