i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
