someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
