I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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