dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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