Is it normal to miss your booty call?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
