Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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