i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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