Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
