Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
