I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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