I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
