my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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