GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
