Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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