This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
