"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
