I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
