I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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