Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
