I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
