just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i believe in u and ur pee
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
