The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
